i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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