your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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