I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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