I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
