If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
