He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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