Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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