Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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