Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
