Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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