i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
