Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
