I didn't shave. On purpose
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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