my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
is wine microwaveable?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
