She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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