I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
