the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Randomize
