I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
