I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
