dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
My orgasm happened in two different decades
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
