Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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