I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
