I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
You left your phone here
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