There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
