and she was petting her beer can
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
