The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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