it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
