Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
