i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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