You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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