Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
