I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
