Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
