I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
