3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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