were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
