Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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