mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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