Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Can i not drive my cunt home
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
