i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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