How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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