he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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