drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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