she looked like the before picture.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
