I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Randomize
