Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
