My sheets look like a crime scene.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
This house was built for laser tag.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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