Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
