everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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