i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
