12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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