I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
