shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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